Not Knowing.

I’m sitting at my desk at work. Listening to Led Zepplin’s, Ten Years Gone. Lately, yes again, I’ve been thinking about what I will leave behind. I keep feeling like something is missing. Not in the love, relationship, family, or work catergory but in the human category. What exactly have I left for humanity to use and build on. Sadly nothing.

I always thought that working on a project which had “help” or “real world impact” was going to be the key to filling in this void but that road which I thought was going to allow me to contribute now seems like a long long looong distance away.

In numerous occasions I tried to work for the gov. but to no avail. A total of 3 times I tried to achieve this goal. The place were I thought I could have real world impact. Once I made it to DC where I failed to pass the polygraph. Now I know why I failed to pass. I did a pretty stupid thing while young and in the tech industry and it’s this that shut the door on me.

The last time I applied, I was interviewed locally but with a laugh was told “No”. Now I sit here as a Vice President in Engineering wondering if I remained persistent would I have finally worked there? Not sure.

There’s a lot of stuff im currently doing which my heart isnt really into. In all truth, my concern is with my legacy and what will people say about my code, my work ethic, and my family. School, I stopped caring. Reason? Realized that school, with 1 class and a thesis isnt working for me. Does it mean Im going to give up? Far from it, I’ll finish but paying close to 4k a quarter with no added value is proving difficult to stomach.

Amanda, I would say. Dont give up even when you think you cant do it. I wont give you a lecture on the merits of not giving up here but I will say, it’s about giving that extra second, minute, hour of effort and less to do with how smart you are. For those that will call you smart, brush them off. Its about the extra effort.

31. And I feel like I have yet to understand but I’m starting to understand that thats life. I will never catch up to knowing.

Armando Padilla – on. Knowing not knowing.